He said he had to leave because his family needed him. He had to work abroad where life is better. He had to let you go because his family is his priority. He said you deserved better. He cried because he was hurting too. He said he hoped you two would still be friends. He said maybe the time is not right for both of you and hoped that someday you both may still end up together. He said it will be a very tough time for him because he had no intention of leaving his life here with you if only his family did not need him so much.
He said he was serious about you and would never hurt you. Because he knew you went through a lot already. And you believed him.
But he lied to you.
He said he loved you. But he never did.
It was all just a show for him. A few days after he left, he has already forgotten about you. He got back together with an ex barely a month after you two have broken up. Please tell me, how could that have been love?
Now you knew why he never bothered to stay in touch. Why he never even cared to ask how you were. Why he was never online anymore in YM where you used to chat with each other not so long ago. Why he suddenly ignored you when you parted as friends. Why even on Christmas Day, you waited around for him to greet you but he never did. So you were the one who emailed him instead.
Which you knew now, you never should have done. It made you look so pathetic. And he must have really pitied you.
But you did not know he has already moved on. You thought he just needed space to think things over. So you gave him that. But Christmas is Christmas so you decided to greet him anyway.
And God, how painful it must have been for you to finally realize the awful truth: He left because he couldn’t wait to start a new life with an ex-girlfriend. All this time, he already planned on leaving you because he has already lost interest in you. And the worst part is, you were made to believe that he actually cared about you the two months you two were together when in fact you were just someone to fill in the time before he was about to leave for good.
So now everything just came rushing back, all the happy memories which of course, you now realize, were all just part of a game to him. And you cried and cried because you couldn’t believe that someone you trusted and loved so much could even do such things: use you and lie to you.
So now, hurt, confused, angry, and vulnerable, you tried to live your life as best as you can. You tried to be strong all the time, to look cheerful all the time, to act like it wasn’t such a big deal. But it is. You know, it is. And sometimes, you will wake up in the middle of the night, cursing and asking yourself why, what you did to him for him to hurt you like that. But in the morning, you knew you had to get up, move on, act like everything is normal because everyone is counting on you to be strong—your family, especially your daughter; your boss, your friends.
So now, you are faced with another heartbreak, one that you thought you have already survived many years ago, when you were in a similar situation.
These questions, the “now what?” and “what’s next?” keep going through your mind for weeks and weeks but still every night when you retire in bed, these questions are still all you ever think about.
You’ve heard enough pep/tough talk there is about moving on, having fun, and being happy, etc. You’ve heard them all and yet you are still hurting. You know the hurt will soon pass. You know in your heart it will, eventually.
And when that time comes and the memories are not that painful anymore, don’t look back anymore, Ella. Let go of the bitterness, at the right time, when you are ready.
When you have come to terms with all these, do not think of him as a mistake, rather a lesson, a very important lesson that had to be learned along the way. Another test to make you stronger, wiser the next time you find yourself ready to fall in love again.
But for now, I would not take it against you. Cry if you must. Release all the hurtful things inside you because holding everything inside will only allow it to fester and rot inside you and you know from experience this is exactly what makes people seriously ill.
And before long, you will realize the worst is over and you are now back to your normal self, the person you were before you met him.
The magic in you will be back and you will be okay soon, Ella. Nothing beats time when healing wounds.
Andito ako ngayon sa office. Lunch break. Umiiyak na naman. Alam ko kung andito ka lang ngayon sa harapan ko, tiyak mapapagalitan mo na naman ako.
Hindi naman kita masisisi. Matigas talaga ang ulo ng anak mo. Minsan hindi nya iniisip kung ano ang ginagawa nya. Basta sugod lang sya ng sugod, masunod lang ang gusto nya. Kahit pa walang kasiguraduhan ang haharapin nya.
Diba ilang beses na akong nadapa? Pero lagi kang andyan para sagipin ako. Para katukin ang minsan nang nasaktang ako?
Pero hindi kita pinakinggan, mommy. Dahil naging makasarili ako. Dahil akala ko ayaw mo lang akong maging masaya. Dahil ang akala ko pinaninindigan mo lang ang pagiging “kontrabida” mo sa buhay ko.
Sorry Mommy, dahil sa katigasan ng ulo ko, hindi ako nakinig sayo. Dahil hindi ako naniniwala sa mga pangaral mo, sa mga payo mo.
Sa halip, nagalit ako sayo kasi akala ko gusto mo lang hadlangan ang pagiging masaya ko kasi ayaw mo akong maging masaya.
Pero sa bandang huli, tama ka pala, mi. Tama ka pala sa lahat ng bagay. At lahat ng mga payo mo, lahat ng mga pangaral mo na itinapon ko lang at hindi binigyan ng halaga, lahat yun bumalik sa akin.
Diba sabi mo masasaktan lang ako? Ang sabi ko wala na ba akong karapatang lumigaya.
Diba sabi mo lolokohin lang din ako? Ang sabi ko yun ba ang tingin mo sa akin, hindi na kayang mahalin pa ng iba?
Aaaminin ko, nagtanim ako ng sama ng loob sayo dahil dun.
Pero ngayon, habang nakaupo ako dito sa office namin, lunch break. Walang ilaw. Walang tao sa office kung hindi ako.
Mommy, tama ka.
Sorry. Naging matigas ang ulo ko. Minsan hindi ko iniisip ang ginagawa ko, masunod lang ang gusto ko.
Hindi ka kontrabida sa buhay ko, mommy. Sorry kung nung minsan ay napag isipan kita ng ganun.
Alam ko kung gaano mo ako kamahal at dala ng pagiging rebelde ko at makasarili ay hindi kita pinakinggan.
Ngayon, nasasaktan ako. Na naman. Sa ikalawang pagkakataon. At wala na akong ibang malalapitan kung hindi ikaw.
Dahil kahit alam kong papagalitan mo lang ulit ako at sasabihan ng, “Sabi ko na sa’yo eh!”, ikaw lang ang lalapit sa akin at magsasabing ang tanga tanga ko pero yayakapin ako ng mahigpit at iiyak din kasama ko.
Mahal na mahal kita mommy. Kayo ni Sofie. Kayo lang ang lakas ko. Kayo lang ang pamilya ko.
Sorry kung ang tagal kong “nawala” sa inyo. Babalik na ulit ako.